GLoGtober, day 3: gBoLinn spellz !!

 On the third day of GLoGtober, the bloggers gave to me…

           Three gretchling wretches

           Two drops of crimson

And some gun rules for you and me

D12 gOBLiN sPELLz:

1. gUn tHe gobLin shoootz an aRrrow and says ‘pEw” an it goes bOom (This one actually works. “Peu” happens to be a rune of combustion, and could cause arrows to explode upon striking, imitating the effects of a gun.)

2.  sHiT ctaplu cAtupelt materiul cOmnpoetz: freSh sHit in youR hand. thRow reeeeel gud (This one is just goblins throwing shit. They’re quite good at it, though!)

3 phLegm neTt eat a sNotshroom, denn cloAs your i’s aN sPit reel gud (While not technically a spell, snotshrooms (Boleus Muco Involuta) work to make mucus extra sticky, and makes it expand on air, thus producing the world’s grossest net.)

D) BEEEZ !!! brEk a huneyPOt an close ur eArz an say “beez beez un too frEe i broak yer food so leev me bee” but den they wOn leave yuo bee (Strangely enough, a real spell anyone can use.)

6) entRayu intrai enrtool gUtz laSso tiE da majYk not aN tHroww (The “magic knot” is a non-euclidean trapping mechanism that still baffles spatial wizards. This lasso is uncannily effective, though easily ripped, given it’s made of animal intestine.)

7) maEk hOt spiikz thRow da b a gg oF spikeZ and LiTe a matCh, thEn bLow it ouT wif yOur noAs (A strange little ritual that does actually cause thrown caltrops to heat to red-hot states.)

8.) UnMatfh coUnt mNay thingzZ an itl be a dFirent nbumDner of tiNgs (Goblins are so bad at math it warps reality. If a goblin tries to count, the number of objects changes upon every counting. No other species can learn this spell, so if you need to use it, coerce a goblin to count for you. This is notoriously difficult.)

9 feengrnaiLs cHoow a coW fniGrnl wheil u poiNt adn thAt feengR wlil gRow laNg (An actual spell. Once magical scholars find out how to cultivate cow fingernails, this spell will go into circulation.)

10- wArchARge !!! iT maEks us sQuiSHy bUt it doN’t woRk on dEm ye t (Any goblin involved in the magical charge has their maximum hit points halved. So far, they haven’t gotten it to work on an enemy. Perhaps they need more experimentation.)

111 reaeD uNgoBBLisH (A goblin mage once mutated the read languages spell so that everything was readable goblin-style. Terribly useful for goblins, not so much for anyone else.)

12.x THE APOCALYPTIC MOON CRASH OF ORDRION THE MAD. we stoaL dis won  froM a whizaRdd. Ddunno how iT werkz, tOo many worDz, but LoOks s hinY (They do not lie. Heaven help us all if they learn how to read it.... they’ve already got half a sentence down!)

I had a stroke typing that, much less reading it back, so that’s all you get. Obligatory goblins for my upcoming Rime of the Frostmaiden game:

THE KARKOLOHK CLAN

Constantly falling apart and in need of repair, this crumbling “castle” sits on a cliff overlooking a major trade route, perfect for aerial ambush and raids. Stocked with basic yet dwindling supplies and reeking to high heaven, this sewage-choked barracks is home to dozens of goblinoid bandits, augmented occasionally by other cutthroats who proved their worth.

The goblins seek to occupy the nearest city, but they’re not yet well enough supplied or organized to do so, and the new Large And In Charge is hesitant to make any sort of decisive motion. Snubsuk the Coward is quietly fermenting a hostile takeover, growing impatient and seeking decisive action, even pining for a full-on raid within a tenday. However, his plans are as hair-brained as his pet worg Tinkertoolz, and anybody who knows the lay of the land will know that this is a suicide mission.

Yarb-Gnock leads the Karkolohk clan. He’s a foriegn and strange goblin who seems to have command over magics to rival even the Mad Mother Manafek, the clan shaman. This is because he is a scared and confused gnome clad in a mask, a survivor of a caravan attack. He seeks to destroy the camp from the inside, sell the surviving goblins into gnomish slavery, and other quite malicious things.

The fun of the adventure arises when the PCs realize that they have to stop not only the raiding, but Yarb-Gnock AND Snubsuk too, to make sure the clan survives but isn’t causing problems. Or they could rip the castle a new one with the lamp oil stores and run. Either way, a lot of fun for the PCs, and a lot of panicked improv from the DM.

Day three! Let’s keep going strong, we’re practically a tenth of the way through already! That wasn’t so hard, was it? Let’s keep it going!