LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND
50-odd percent of marriages end in divorce. Of the remaining portion, many of those are propelled by inertia and obligation more so than the spark of passion. However, a fraction of a fraction of such unions are truly remarkable, and the vows that seal them together are wellsprings from which a strange form of magic sparks. Truly, their matrimony is blessed.
You cannot take this class for your first Template. Instead, you are made eligible for a Level in this Class by proposing to someone over the course of the game (or having started the adventure having proposed to someone, talk to your DM). The next stretch of downtime you both have after your proposal, you each gain your first Template in this class, then roll once on the table to below to see what gifts you have brought each other, functioning as your starting equipment in this Class.
1 A miniature sleeping Ophanim disguised as an eye-covered engagement band
2 A horrific painting of you and your beloved portrayed as aliens wrapped in a blasphemous embrace found abandoned in a rain-drenched alleyway
3 A talking bullfrog named Horace; he secretly is enamored with your Beloved, and seeks to woo them for his own
4 Both halves of a bisected heart necklace originally owned by your grandparents. Grandma’s side has a picture of Scruffy, her capybara, while Granny’s side bears the sigil of a known criminal network.
5 A white carnation that hums a love song when placed in sunlight and turns red while whispering the same date over and over again in moonlight
6 A gift card for a million silver shillings at “Urgoo’s All-You-Can-Eat* Clams** ‘n Boiled Carrot Smorgasbord (No They Don’t Come Separately, Please Don’t Ask)!”
7 A rune-etched crystal orb that, when placed by one’s bedside, literally makes their dreams come true. Not safe around those with night terrors.
8 Some shiny rocks you found on the ground and thought were cool- a timeless classic!
(Of course, you don’t have to be a male-identifying person to take this Class; you can be a Lawfully Wedded Husband no matter your gender identity, or can absolutely be a Lawfully Wedded Wife or Spouse. However, homosexuality is always encouraged.)
A Wedding Fever. You’re not quite married yet, but you will be soon, right after you organize the festivities. You always know where your Beloved is and how they’re feeling (and vice versa), and when you see them take damage, you can choose to take it in their stead. If you do so, it cannot be reduced or mitigated in any way. Your Beloved can do the same for you. To gain another Level in this Class, host your wedding; your DM has permission to make that as difficult as they can muster.
B Tie the Knot. After the tribulations of wedding planning, you’ve made it out of the gauntlet intact (hopefully) with your Beloved at your side (hopefully). You can perfectly mimic the body language and voice of your Beloved, and vice versa. In addition, once per day, you can instantaneously switch spots with them, no matter where you may be in the cosmos at the time.
C Till Death do us Part. You are a paragon of unity, to the point where you become two sides of one coin. You can see out of each other’s senses, read each other’s thoughts, and switch spots at will. In addition, if one of you dies, they wake up right next to their Beloved on their Beloved’s next good night’s sleep in a bed- only if you both are killed before that point will you fail to return from the dead.
Mazel tov to Ren and Phlox. Fuck you both. You both are such wonderful people with such wonderful taste, and the world is a happier place with you in it, much less united. I hope your celebrations are worth all your exhaustion and meticulous planning and more, and that you reap from them all the magic you so rightfully deserve. Love you both, don't tell anyone.
THIS IS. The cutest. Thing.
ReplyDeleteThank you very kindly, fuck you too 💕😭