Short-lived folk

    Was watching this video from Brandon Sanderson, and it got me thinking about the appeal of long-lived humanoids. Elves, dwarves, and hobbits folklorically and canonically have lifespans exceeding that of the average human. DnD and its -alikes continue that tradition.

    Table from Pathfinder 1e. As you can see, humans are the second youngest to reach adulthood, only behind half-orcs. This seems conspicuous; orcs, being evil, are younger than humans, while all the good-aligned ancestries are not just the same age, but actually older than humans. It even suggests that there's a positive correlation between age and moral faculty. This is anecdotal- I invite someone more systematically familiar with the canon to prove me wrong- but classic modules seem to corroborate this correlation. Orcs (and their goblinoid kin) are frequently antagonists, as well as humans, albeit specified as brigands/cultists/other malfeasants, but I can't think of an example of a flagship adventure where dwarves or elves are the primary foes. DnD's implicit metaphysics, as deduced from this evidence, suggests that one is inclined towards virtue by virtue of living longer. Humanity's lifespan seems to be the exact point of inflection between good and evil.

    This is an appealing fantasy, and stands in line with common moral logic. Children do badly because they know no better. Skills of empathy, self-reflection, impulse control, and decision-making take time and effort to master and enact. With more years, one can and on the whole will keep growing wiser, kinder, and better. Evil is a function of egocentrism is a function of youth.

    What about a fantasy world where most humanoids don't break 60? Reaching maturity within their first decade, they look up to humans as sources of wisdom and measured insight. (I would have this be true of my interesting fucking guys.) How strange and terrifying to be a 25-year-old human being looked up to by a 12-year-old adult hobbit as a respected elder. How much responsibility to watch 3 generations pass in the span of your one, watching your bad choices change the worlds friends' children are born into. How rewarding it is to get to practice your craft for three times as long as your goblin peers, and how humbling it is to still see flaws in your work you know you could fix with time. In this world, unfantastical humans would be taken as 'maximally good'- is that horrifying, or inspiring?

    Conversely, all of this might inform a different look at elf and dwarf psychology.

    Thanks for reading, and happy gaming.

d150 treasures

    For each game, I like to make a d100 treasure table, in the tradition of ICRPG. My vanilla high fantasy game for my elementary schoolers is no exception. Before I cut the 50 least flavorful/interesting pieces of loot, I wanted to share the unedited list, for posterity and inspiration for the next one.

1 ADAMANTINE CHAIN. Ten feet, clasps on both sides, utterly unbreakable.

2 ADAMANTINE PLATE. Reduces 4 damage.

3 ADAMANTINE ROD. Six feet, utterly unbreakable.

4 AESOP’S CLOAK. Animals trust you.

5 ALCHEMIST’S GOBLET. Transforms any mundane drink into any other.

6 ALU’S AMULET. Undead are afraid of this silver charm.

7 ALU’S CODEX. Contains every MIRACLE as a SCROLL; vanishes once you’ve read 3.

8 ANIMATE ROPE. Temperament of an excitable puppy.

9 ARACHNE’S BOLT. Unwinds an endless train of silk.

10 ARCHMAGE’S RING. Its three gemstones can be used as CHARGES to cast SPELLS and MIRACLES.

11 ARROWGRABBER. While this shield is being held, ranged attacks bend to target it.

12 AUTHORITY. This magic bow’s shots curve around corners to attack targets you name.

13 BAG OF DEVOURING. Anything placed in it is destroyed; otherwise identical to a BAG OF HOLDING.

14 BAG OF HOLDING. Fits 10 SLOTS.

15 BLOOD IRON VICE. Any portal it shuts cannot be opened.

16 BOREAS’S RING. Fall like a feather.

17 BOTTLED APOTHEOSIS. Become invulnerable for MD ROUNDS, one dose.

18 BOTTOMLESS JUG. Full of vinegar.

19 BRIGHT EYED POET. This magic sword has ADVANTAGE against undead.

20 CARAVAGGIO’S PIGMENTS. Whatever you paint becomes real, Ud6.

21 CASTIGATE. This magic morningstar’s eviscerating wounds bleed for 1 damage per ROUND.

22 CEASEFIRE. A 6 on this magic mace’s HD stuns the target for d4 ROUNDS.

23 CONFLAGRANT SPYGLASS. Light whatever you see through it on fire.

24 CRYSTAL BALL. Once per day, scry on someone you name for MD minutes.

25 CUPID’S ARROWS. A 6 on the HD makes the target fall in love with whoever they see first, Ud6.

26 DAEDALUS’S WINGS. Fly as fast as you can walk, but don’t get them too hot.

27 DEEP BLUE RIVER. A 6 on this magic sword’s HD can steal the soul of its target, up to 3 souls total.

28 DIAMOND SIGNET. The sign of high standing in HOUSE ALABASTER.

29 DIVING SUIT. Armor AS CHAIN, breathe water.

30 DOPPLEGANGER HAUBERK. This armor AS CHAIN camouflages.

31 DRAGON EGG. May hatch in extreme heat.

32 DRAGOON’S THRONE. No rider can fall off this saddle, which fits any sufficiently large creature.

33 DRUID’S FLUTE. Calls birds and small animals.

34 DRY RING. Liquids avoid you.

35 DYNAMITE. Ud6.

36 ELVISH ARROWS. A 6 on the HD puts the target to sleep, Ud6.

37 ELVISH PLATE. This armor AS PLATE is silent and light enough for anyone to wear.

38 EMERALD SIGNET. The sign of high standing in HOUSE CHARTREUSE.

39 ENDLESS ROPE. It just keeps going!

40 ENTROPIC HOURGLASS. Shatter it to rewind a minute of time.

41 EXTRA ARM. Could come in hand-y.

42 EYES OF GOD. This magic sword has ADVANTAGE against targets larger than its wielder.

43 FELWOOD CLOAK. Become invisible in the wild.

44 FLAWLESS GEMSTONE. Worth d20 x 100 gold.

45 FLICKER. This magic bow creates its own ethereal arrows.

46 FLINTLOCK. Black powder damage EXPLODES, Ud6.

47 FORTUNE’S RING. Its three gemstones can be BURNED like LUCK.

48 FROG BOOTS. Jump three times as high and far.

49 FULGURITE COMPASS. Points to whoever you name.

50 GAIA’S SPITTLE. Pour on any plant to instantly mature it, Ud4.

51 GALAHAD’S DIADEM. +2 WIS, max 19.

52 GEMINI GAUNTLET. Once, permanently swap souls with any target you touch.

53 GENIE LAMP. It will grant one wish- word it carefully.

54 GHOST IN A BOTTLE. It’ll do anything to pass into the next life.

55 GLAMOURED FIREWORKS. Bursts in any color or pattern.

56 GLOBUS CRUCIGER. CRIT on a 1 or 2.

57 GOBLIN CROWN. Goblins must follow your commands.

58 GOLDEN APPLE. Eat this fruit, picked by an angel, to regain 1 CHARGE.

59 GOLEMANCER’S MANUAL. Contains the formula to build golems.

60 GUENEVIERE’S BROOCH. +2 CHA, max 19.

61 HAIRSPLITTERS. These d4 magic darts always do 10 damage.

62 HAND OF GLORY. Only the person holding it can see its candle’s light.

63 HANNIBAL’S MASK. Consume anything safely.

64 HARBOR NO GHOSTS. This magic sword radiates cold with a magic word.

65 HELMET OF GREGARITY. No one hates you on sight.

66 HOMUNCULACRUM. A protoplasmic clay that morphs into a copy of whatever first touches it.

67 HUMBABA’S ACORN. Instantly grows into a massive oak tree when planted.

68 HYPNOTIC LUTE. Roll CHA to make whoever hears its music fall asleep.

69 IDOLHAMMER. Destroy it to shatter one object.

70 IMMOVABLE ROD. Click the button on the end to fix it in place or release it.

71 IMP IN A BOTTLE. It’ll do anything to get out.

72 IN MANY MOUTHS. This magic sword has ADVANTAGE against demons.

73 JACE’S DIADEM. Read surface thoughts.

74 JORMUNGANDR’S VENOM. Automatically kills upon consumption, Ud4.

75 JUSTICE. Hold out your hand to make this magic throwing hammer return.

76 KING ARTHUR’S GAUNTLETS. +2 STR, max 19.

77 LANCELOT’S AMULET. +2 CON, max 19.

78 LANTERN OF ILLUMINATION. Reveals magic and illusions.

79 LIONSGUARD SHIELD. Its visage frightens beasts.

80 LIVING TATTOO. Transferred by touch.

81 MAGEBANE’S LIGHT. Magic doesn’t function in the blue fire of this bullseye lantern.

82 MASTERPIECE. Worth d10 x 100 gold.

83 MERLIN’S CAP. +2 INT, max 19.

84 MIRACLE SCROLL. Contains a random MIRACLE.

85 MIRACLE SCROLL. Contains a rare new MIRACLE.

86 MIRROR MASK. Roll CHA to command one target you can see to mirror all your actions.

87 MJOLNIR. If your HD comes up 6, cast LIGHTNING for free.

88 MONKEY KING’S STAFF. Can grow as tall as a building or shrink as small as a toothpick.

89 MORADIN’S BELT. Become a dwarf as long as you wear it.

90 MORDENKAINEN’S MARBLE. Close your eyes to see out of it.

91 MORDRED’S GLOVES. +2 DEX, max 19.

92 MORGANA’S SPECTACLES. See magic as auras.

93 MOUNTAIN OF COINS. d10 x 1000 gold.

94 MUMMIFIED PARROT. Squeeze it to mimic any sound it’s heard.

95 NECRONOMICON. Opens a portal to the Great Beyond three times.

96 NEGATIVE LANTERN. Emits darkness NEAR.

97 NIBELUNG’S RING. Can grow as large as a building or as small as a pea.

98 OCCULTIC CHALK. The doors it draws all lead to an extradimensional room.

99 OCEAN IN A BOTTLE. An endless supply of saltwater.

100 OLD STONE CROSS. This magic sword glows with a magic word.

101 OPHIDIAN ARMLET. Transform into a snake for MD minutes once per day.

102 PANTAGRUEL’S INSTANT GLUE. Insoluble, Ud6.

103 PARALYTIC. Ud6.

104 PHANTOM CAPE. Once a day, become a ghost for MD minutes.

105 PHILOSOPHER’S STONE. Consume it to become immortal and immune to disease.

106 PIED PIPE. Calls rats and vermin.

107 PRIMORDIAL BREASTPLATE. Armor AS CHAIN, makes you immune to fire and cold.

108 PROMETHEUS’S TOME. Contains every SPELL as a SCROLL; vanishes once you’ve read 3.

109 PSYCHIC PAPER. Shows whatever its viewer thinks it should.

110 PYROMANCER’S SCEPTER. Manipulate any fire you see.

111 RESURRECTION DIAMOND. Shatter to bring a corpse back from the dead.

112 RING OF INVISIBILITY. Disappear as long as you wear it.

113 ROPE INCENSE. Its smoke can be climbed.

114 ROSE-COLORED GLASSES. You can see emotions as auras.

115 RUBY SIGNET. The sign of high standing in HOUSE VERMILLION.

116 SAPPHIRE SIGNET. The sign of high standing in HOUSE CERULEAN.

117 SECOND HEART. +6 HP.

118 SERAPHIC COMPASS. Points to the nearest angel.

119 SERPENTSTONGUE. This magic whip can wrap like a tentacle.

120 SHELOB’S BRACERS. Climb as fast as you can walk.

121 SHIELDPIERCER. This magic spear ignores all mundane armor.

122 SHIP IN A BOTTLE. Expands to full size upon being uncorked.

123 SKELETON KEY. Unlocks any lock, Ud6.

124 SKULL MASK. Stay conscious while dying.

125 SLOW-ROASTED PHOENIX. Everything thinks it’s delicious.

126 SMOKING BOTTLE. Uncork it to release endless clouds of thick smog.

127 SOLAR LANTERN. Eternally shines pure sunlight.

128 SOLOMON’S LODESTONE. Touch the rune to make it incredibly magnetic.

129 SPECTACLES OF VERACITY. Makes lies and illusions look like curling black smoke.

130 SPELL SCROLL. Contains a random SPELL.

131 SPELL SCROLL. Contains a rare new SPELL.

132 SPELLTHIEF’S RING. Its three gemstones can be used as CHARGES to cast a random SPELL.

133 STAY THE COURSE. A 6 on this magic sword’s HD removes a limb.

134 STILL YOUR TONGUE. This magic sword’s HD always rolls a minimum of 3.

135 STONE HORSE. Saddle up.

136 TALKING SKULL. Roll for its BACKGROUND.

137 TESLA’S MULTITOOL. Repairs anything, with time.

138 THE RED ROAD. This magic sword has ADVANTAGE against beasts.

139 THROUGH THE HEART. This magic sword lights on fire with a magic word.

140 THUNDERHEAD. This magic mace’s blows can make thunderclaps with a magic word.

141 TROLLSKIN  CAP. If you were hurt last ROUND, regain 1 HP.

142 TRUTH SERUM. Ud6.

143 TWICE FALLEN QUEEN. A 6 on this magic sword’s HD terrifies its target.

144 TWO PLUS TWO. Roll for this talking magic sword’s BACKGROUND.

145 UMBRA. Shadows stretch to cloak this magic dagger’s wielder.

146 WAR PAINT. Everyone wants to attack whatever’s painted in it, Ud6.

147 WINGED BOOTS. Doubles your speed.

148 WITCH’S BROOM. Flies.

149 WORD OF ALU. Ask one question right now and receive a true response from ALU.

150 ZEPHYR’S BOTTLE. Releases a strong wind when uncorked.

Thanks for reading, and happy gaming.

Roadfreaks in the Felwoods

 I think Hilander has a thing called Felwoods? I stole the name by accident. Sorry! Anyways, this is for the game I'm running for my elementary schoolers later this afternoon.

d6 encounters:

1 d6 envoys of a noble house.

    1 HOUSE ALABASTER (Arthur, aristocrats)

    2 HOUSE VERMILLION (Galahad, priests)

    3 HOUSE CERULEAN (Merlin, scholars)

    4 HOUSE CHARTREUSE (Mordred, merchants) 
2 Two trolls playing blackjack, animal bones braided into their hair. They'll bet a piece of TREASURE they've stolen against bits and pieces of you to eat.
3 A warband of d4 elvish hunters armed with sleep arrows. Cross the boar's head they've pinned to a tree and you've trespassed on their hunting grounds.
4 A goblin shanty. Their merchant has for trade (roll twice):

    1 Ud4 elvish sleep arrows

    2 Ud4 bear repellant

    3 Ud4 pot of rubber cement

    4 Fireplace poker

    5 Water-damaged biography of the Knights, written before their vanishing

    6 An acorn in the shape of a squirrel
5 A teary servant-boy of Longhollow Manor with an empty birdcage, looking for the well-bred canary he accidentally set loose. Reward: 100 gold.
6 L, a mysterious knight wearing the Knights of the Opal crest. (He will not reveal himself as Lancelot, envoy of the Knights, but he may offer cryptic hints, or maybe even draw a mark on a map...)

Thanks for reading, and happy gaming.

Payback's A Bitch (an adventure about a dragon)

 You are in 10,000 gold’s worth of debt to THE COMPANY. That’s okay- they’ve generously loaned you a near-dilapidated seaskipper, the Last Resort, and sent you out to make its fortune back trawling the Drakewracked Isles for treasure.

    The Last Resort carries up to 20 SLOTS of cargo. Every day it spends on the water costs 10 gold in maintenance. On top of standard random encounter checks, roll d6 for weather daily: 1-3: clear skies. 4-5: rough waters; extra 5g. 6: storm: extra 10g, lose a random SLOT of cargo.

    Whenever you arrive in safe port, THE COMPANY seizes whatever it can of what it’s owed. You can only be free of their clutches when you’ve paid debt in full.

(I’m running an after-school DnD club for 5th graders. These are notes from a campaign premise they missed out on. You’ll hear more about the game we’re actually playing, including the rules we’re using, by the end of the year.)

--

VULCAN ISLE- a backwater volcanic isle terrorized by Pyronax, a fearsome dragon lord with an untouched hoard (vanishingly rare in the wake of the Drachomachy). There’s a mouldering dock off Naxburg, or a cove tucked away on the other side of the isle where 4 goldeaters roost.

NAXBURG. A hamlet called Olis, before Pyronax took roost.

• Only CHEAP goods are available in the Naxburg Mercantile, at a 5x markup. Proceeds go directly to Pyronax.

• The Dragonspeaker, a painted fool puppet of Pyronax, has long held mayorship. Him and his two thugs try to extort and humiliate whoever passes through town.

• In the basement of the temple, the Council of Olis stages quiet resistance against the Dragonspeaker’s regime. They can be convinced to supply Mercantile goods for free.

MT. VULCANA. Once housed a shrine to Vulcana, the Abeyant Goddess, before it erupted- so much for abeyant. Her worshippers were transformed into melted undead. Now, Pyronax has made his lair in the bowels of the mountain, and controls the slagfaces (as zombies/cultists with fire immunity) with the Amulet of Vulcana. There’s two ways in, neither of them safe: in through the TEMPLE GATES (I), or the arduous climb and perilous drop through the CHIMNEY (III).

(I) TEMPLE GATES. 2 slagfaces, one wearing a key around its neck, guard the sealed iron double door to the ABLUTION CHAMBER (II). On their signal, 6 more emerge from the scrub.

(II) ABLUTION CHAMBER. A pool of scalding water simmers sulfurously in a central pool, fed from a vent in the wall. In the center, a face-down, inert slagface wears the key to the CHIMNEY (III) around his neck. It attacks if disturbed.

(III) CHIMNEY. Carved basalt stairs wind around the volcano’s throat, from the ABLUTION CHAMBER (II) to the BROOD POD (IV) to the SHRINE TO VULCANA (V) at the very base. Pyronax has clawed away the stairs within ~10 feet of the door to the BROOD POD (IV), leaving a drop of ~40 feet. A chasm in the throat’s floor looks down into the HOARD (VI) below. Four goldeaters, blind flying serpents with corrosive spit, cling to the walls, descending on anything that makes noise with shrill screams.

(IV) BROOD POD. In the center of the room, three of Pyronax’s eggs sit on a bed of heated crystal. They’ll hatch after warmed to the point of taking 30 points of fire damage. The crystal magnifies heat; as long as it’s being warmed, it deals 1 fire damage/ROUND to everything in the room, then 2 the next ROUND, then 3. If it ceases to be heated, it cools down at the rate of 1 damage/ROUND, too. Clinging to the ceiling, a dragonspit elemental falls on anyone who gets CLOSE to the eggs.

(V) SHRINE TO VULCANA. Three statues of Vulcana with rubies for eyes flank a pool of lava: one weeping (coated in powerful adhesive), one snarling (animates to attack if the room is disturbed), and one shushing (conceals a secret door). The secret door to the HOARD (VI) opens whenever something heavy is placed in the offering bowl before the snarling statue.

(VI) HOARD. Once a burial vault for the cult of Vulcana. Now, Pyronax sleeps atop an uncountable pile of raid-spoils, including 5 TREASURES and as many slots of gold and gems (each worth d20 x 100 gold) as can be carried.

PYRONAX’S SLUMBER. Every time the party triggers a random encounter for noise, roll a d6. If the result is equal to or under the number of times Pyronax has been disturbed, Pyronax awakens. He’ll first climb up to the chimney and inspect his lair for intruders, breathing fire into any room that shows signs of having been disturbed. If he thinks it’s safe, he’ll then fly away to eat some cattle, leaving his hoard undefended for 2d6 TURNS.

Thanks for reading, and happy gaming.

Ekman's Screw (mask relay)

From: https://archonsmarchon.blogspot.com/2026/08/mask-relay-37-everlixir-visor.html

To: https://velvetinks.blogspot.com/. Have fun!

--

A metal handle, bent into a loop and tipped with a wickedly sharp drill bit. A few inches back from the bit end, there's a metal cap. (Looks a little like a paint can opener turned combination lock, all told.) Carved onto the cap, written from the center out like spokes on a wheel, are six words: joy, sorrow, surprise, fear, anger, disgust.

If you insert the screw into the base of the skull behind the spinal column, slowly, methodically, you can turn the key to adjust the facial expression of whoever's been screwed. It works on anything with a face, living humanoid or otherwise otherwise. The insertion looks real nasty, but it's only a dull discomfort, like how people say acupuncture doesn't hurt (which, unrelatedly, bullshit, man). Before it gets turned, it can be removed without any negative effects save a concerning amount a blood. Pulling it out once it's been turned, though, is the hard part; without a medical professional taking their time to extract it, save vs. death, taking a permanent -d6 to INT even on a success.

Built by Ekman, a renowned professor who wanted to help manage his depressive symptoms. He didn't have any trouble getting it in...

Thanks for reading, and happy gaming.

GLAUGUST 26: the compilation

For GLAUGUST 26. Completed in speedrun mode (500 words or less apiece). Incidentally, I think this is the first GLoGtober/GLAUGUST challenge I've ever completed, despite starting the damn thing myself a number of years ago...

GLAUGUST 1: “Review Another's Blogpost.” Garamondia in review.

GLAUGUST 2: “Deicide dungeon.” A riverside shrine.

GLAUGUST 3: "The many qualities of night air." Meditations on endless night.

GLAUGUST 4: “Tree dungeon.” The wreck of the Red Horizon.

 GLAUGUST 5: "Post a timeline of the near, far, and distant future of one of your precious pet settings." Pb: history, forward.

GLAUGUST 6: “Art movement dungeon.” The Cruel Theatre.

Thanks for reading, and happy gaming.

History, forward (GLAUGUST 26)

    History is strange. I've scarcely started living through my third decade, and the changes I've witnessed in my world are sweeping. Look in a history textbook, though, and you'd think that about one really significant thing happened a year. Before the past 200 years, even less. Is that incongruity an artifact of...

...real, substantial historical change happening at a much faster clip than the history books let on?

...a postmodern (post-postmodern?) world, hurtling through social acceleration at a rate newly enabled by technological acceleration?

...a hindsight bias of historicization, only "reading" events that connect in a chain to contemporary life and losing the countless seismic shifts that wash out in the intervening generations?

...a product of my psychosocial development, signaling not a change in the structure of the world or history but my awareness of it?

--

    Thinking about the future in these ways is even more precarious. The word for "atom" comes from the Greek "unsplittable one". 69 days after the New York Times claimed that human flight would only be possible in the next 1-10 million years, the Wright brothers flew their first airplane. Our telephones carry more computer than it took to put man on the moon, and AI asterisk asterisk asterisk. We're who knows how long way from renewable energy infrastructure, much less flying cars and interplanetary colonization. Our fantasies of what's possible when, and what can and will change the world, are greatly misaligned with the realities of human development.

--

    Anyways, this post is about Pb. Since Pb is my experiment in anti-canonicity, it's hard to pin down specifics, but here's one vision of what's to come.

Near future (~10 years): Legions of adamant-clad serpent-men pour out of the Undreamt Wilds in innumerable hoardes and begin an indiscriminate slaughter. Before our history began, they hiss, we made their fathers our greatest enemies. Some among them still bear the scars.

Far future (~100 years): The core lands of the Motescape lie shattered and irradiated in the wake of the Infernal War. What remains of the Entente progroms Septacanonical worship out of its despondent and traumatized citizens. On the peripheries of the Undreamt Wilds, cells of civilization stitch their souls back together in the shadows of jet-ship nebulae and pox-bomb wastes. Maybe we are those who survived the end times, maybe the stories of end times were simply a false comfort.

Distant future (~1000+ years): At the center of the world, a monastery-metropolis of crystal-carvers endlessly refine the great silicon god AM. Once they’ve finished him him, they say, they won’t have to live out the rest of time. AM will tell them what’s to come, down to the smallest details, and then they’ll decide: live out eternity, or drink the potent lotus they’ve brewed for five generations and pass into dreamless death. Everywhere else, they believe, is lifeless dust, and even the lights behind the firmament are guttering, the groaning and cracking from above an omen of immanent collapse into the Æther. Where have the Saints gone?

--

GLAUGUST 5: "Post a timeline of the near, far, and distant future of one of your precious pet settings." This has proven to be a productive GLAUGUST for SSnSS! It's been wonderful reading everyone's posts, and seeing steadily strong blogging come out of the scene- I appreciate everyone's creativity and inspiration. Thanks for reading, and happy gaming.