Empire of the Starstalk Apes

I needed inspiration for a post, so I reached out to my esteemed (non-RPG player) girlfriend. This was her sarcastic response:

 "do it about space monkeys that only eat celery"

An unintentional crucible of genius! From this seed of creative inspiration arises a terrifying stellar threat for any RPG setting.

THE STARSTALK APES

    Long ago, they were but innocent primates, wandering on a virgin world. They feasted on the green stalks waving gently in the electric winds, and they drunk in the air of the red suns above. But war ravaged their land. They retreated to the sunless caves below with emergency rations of celery as atoms rent the air itself in their death throes above the crust of the darkened planet. When they emerged, blind and warlike, into the red suns decades later, their world was ravaged, their only foodstuff decimated besides their dwindling seed-pods.

    A chieftain emerged. Xexycartyl Ripear, named for a shrapnel-damaged ear on the left side, was the first to operate the strange ships that cut into the black stars above, opening the paths into the wider universe. Her death in first Starstalk interstellar conflict was declared a martyrdom, and mystery cults devoted to her resurrection prosper even to this day in the shadows. From her death, the bellicose terraforming empire of the Starstalk Apes emerged.

AN ALTERNATE HISTORY

    The humans sent monkeys to the stars before they ever went themselves. One of the first was thought killed in the detonation of the chamber. While their space suit was rent and they were disfigured on the left side, they were instead sent hurtling to the barren moon, armed only with a seed-packet and the seed of a new generation in her pregnant body.

    The only plant that took to the barren lunar soil was celery. Xexycartyl, as she called herself, the prime mother of the Starstalk Apes, feasted deep, and her children evolved. They turned their eyes to the barren marble of earth and sought to end the lives of their brethren who had marooned them on their haven-prison on the lunar surface.

WAR-TACTICS AND EXPANSIONISM

    The primary goal of the Starstalk Apes is to find new vistas to plant their namesake crops as their population explodes. As such, they occupy sort of a military agricultural ordeal. Their weapons are atmospheric converters that forcefully froth air into the proper ratios for celery growth, massive combines that till and crush the land underfoot, forceful fumigators designed to gas populations and change the chemical balance of the planet itself. When every square inch of a planet is maximized for celery growth, it has been truly conquered.

MONSTERS

    Starstalk Legionary

        The generals, world-killers and diplomats. In their star-cutting, planet-morphing battle cruisers, they indulge in the sorcerous Bluevein Poultice, granting them magical powers. If the hypodermic needles perpetually firing Bluevein into their skulls are damaged, they are pathetically weak, their muscles atrophied from decades of disuse.

    Starstalk Centurion

        The footsoldiers of Starstalk expansion. Safe in warframe-like element-proof spacesuits to maintain perfectly safe during planetary takeovers, some of their main capacities include shooting someone full of hyperfertile seeds to grow under their skin, shooting out potent concentrations of atmospheric gasses, and a good old fashioned harvestin' chainsaw.

    Starstalk Hoplite

        The laborer class. Harvesters, mechanics, priests to Xexycartyl, bureaucrats, tacticians, all the same in the eyes of the Legionnaires ruling above. All rumors of pacification drugs in the Greenstalks are false. Do not investigate or face termination.

    Celeroid

        Putting infected seeds into prisoners of war, rearing the results of mutations caused by caustic vats of celery chemicals, or producing warped abominations by hyperaccelerating celery evolution, Celeroids are mutant fusions of vegetable and animal. The color of the Celeroid and its origins could change its capabilities, but each one is terrifying, given that it is utterly mad and as such terribly unpredictable.

CELERY VARIETIES

    The Apes have made celery growth into a science, developing many strains.

GREENSTALK Fit only for the Hoplite class, the most standard form of the tasteless green vegetable we all tolerate, if not particularly nutritious and well-grown. What pacification chemicals?

REDSTALK For the Centurions, celery augmented with endorphin- and adrenaline-producing hormones to heighten the exertion possible during warfare. Extended exposure is said to cause addiction, overdosing, madness, or worse, and research is currently being done into minimizing the dangerous side affects. After all, a mad monkey in a chimp mech is bad news for everyone.

YELLOWSTALK For relaxing and in downtime, this depressive stalk is injected with chemicals that mellow out any ingester, or in high intensity doses, produce drowsiness. It is the symbol of downtime and recreation, and areas marked in yellow are designated break areas.

PURPLESTALK This celery is said to augment the deductive and perceptive powers of the ingester, as well as heighten their impulsivity and make their behavior erratic. Some tacticians and warriors swear by it, but most Apes fear the negative side effects.

BLUESTALK Entire plants produce only a few handfuls of this incredibly rare strain of celery every year. Bluestalk enhances longevity and grants psionic power to long-term ingesters, and is a symbol of the high class Legionnaires. However, not much is known about it, and selective breeding research is being done into safer varieties and pinning down the effects more precisely. One time, a massive batch was incompatible with life, which was especially problematic when it came alive.

Hey, this stuff might work well as a backdrop for MITHRIL CRUSADES. If you have any more ideas, please throw them in the comments or make your own blog post! I'd love to read what you have to say on this goofy little idea.