The Driftwood Papacy

An elaboration for the sake of my victims players in my Arabus Ocean game, though good luck making sense of it now. The Driftwood Papacy is the largest denomination of the religious movement known as Humorism, described in some vague capacity below.

“Know this, my child; for there are many like me, and many like you, but their Humors lie imbalanced, and they are imperfect. There is but one of me, for all whose Humors align thusly are made concordant into the fullest of full forms, and join my halls.”

-A quote from the Balanced God DHMH taken from the Epic of the First Antipope, the first book of the Jetsam Compendium (the living canon of Humorism at large)

Humors listed in order from least to most Viscous: the more Viscous a Humor, the more it affects your basic function, and the more important it is to keep it in balance. Perfect balance is to unite with DHMH (if you are burdened with divinity) or the Antipope (if you are stricken with mortality).

TEARS (Empty//Sorrowful)

This volatile Humor is stored behind the eyes. To become less Melancholic, get blackout drunk, remove an eye, or sleep dreamlessly through a day. To become more so, see a comedy in a divine amphitheatre, drink moonlight, or have a good cry. Widows and elephants are naturally Melancholic, while Unliving, coroners, and cats are less so.

SWEAT (Slothful//Zealous)

This common Humor is stored within the forehead. To become less Saline, converse with a Hallucinogenic Spirit, have someone conclusively disclude a truth you hold sacrosanct, or converse with a mountain. To become more so, lick a salt crystal, see a promise through dangerous times, or abstain from petty indulgences like food and drink. Dwarves, knights, and fathers are naturally Saline, while cows and accountants are less so.

SPIT (Meek//Rageful)

This capricious Humor is stored within the mouth. To become less Sputumous, wear a cloak woven from the soul of a forest, apologize to a rival, or drip liquid glass onto your vocal chords. To become more so, get into a heated debate, drink your own blood, or break something someone else holds sentimental. Humans, boars, and volcanoes are naturally Sputumous, while Verminfolk and earthworms are less so.

BLOOD (Lethargic//Manic)

This burning Humor is stored within the bosom. To become less Sanguine, bathe in blubber and lard, inject yourself with tranquilizer, or carve a cameo. To become more so, drink the water of a torrential downpour, stay up all night building something, or sell a house. Gnomes, painters, and dogs are naturally Sanguine, while tax-gatherers and leeches (ironically enough) are less so.

BILE (Reckless//Cowardly)

This tepid Humor is stored within the groin. To become less Choleric, snort flour, undergo trepanning, or follow a rainbow. To become more so, listen to a dissonant chord for an hour, eat Giant Spider legs, or or go into battle. Academics and manatees are naturally Choleric, while Goblins, monkeys, and lions are less so.

MUCUS (Indiscriminate//Particular)

This mercurial Humor is stored within the chest. To become less Phlegmatic, drink your body weight in water in a day, throw a dart at a map and go where it lands, or go a day without making a single choice for yourself. To become more so, eat in a Fey feasthall, dress in all one color, or paint something only you have ever seen. Nobles, Elves, and garden flowers are naturally Phlegmatic, while rats and minstrels are less so.

VOMIT (Infirm//Hubristic)

This caustic Humor is stored within the gut. To become less Gastric, get infected with a plague from a zombie, take a mud bath, or spit up some lotus tea in public. To become more so, use arcane magic, eat roadkill, or bend iron with your bare hands. Wizards, peacocks, and doctors are naturally Gastric, while the elderly and raccoons are less so.

Conservative, apocryphal, and syncretic sects may recognize more Humors, such as offal, menses, semen, or eyeball jam, among the most prevalent alternatives. But then again, Humorism is so broad that really any dimension of the Papal doctrine could be warped and produce a viable denomination.

“Yes, I am an archangel; A MERE ARCHANGEL!—I that should have been pope!  It is verily true.  I was told it from heaven in a dream, twenty years ago; ah, yes, I was to be pope!—and I SHOULD have been pope, for Heaven had said it—but the King dissolved my religious house, and I, poor obscure unfriended monk, was cast homeless upon the world, robbed of my mighty destiny!”

-A quote from the eponymous First Antipope

Ball’s in your court to tell me more about Gnomsticism, Gorinich. Also, Mergo, if you’d like to tell me more about the nature and contents of the Jetsam Compendium, I know no one on earth more qualified. As a parting gift, here is an excerpt from the Blooming Dialogues, as well as some collected notes on constructing gameable religions.

“He was a man of one idea; that all civilisation was the painted fungus of rottenness. He hated any sign of culture. I won his respect one afternoon when he found me trespassing in the woods because I was watching some maggots at work in a dead rabbit. That led us to a discussion of life, and the nature of the divine. He was a thorough materialist, but when he thought, he reflected on the decay of mankind—the decline of the human race into folly and weakness and rottenness. "Be a good animal, true to your animal instinct," was his motto. With all this, he was fundamentally very unhappy—and he made me also wretched, scornful of the decadent beauty my people had hammered into my skull like a red-hot nail. I later learned this man was an acolyte of Iéru, and let this text serve as a record of our conversations.”

CyberChronometer: Not the source of this advice, but indeed the bearer. There are three steps to making a broad religious movement, with grounds for further factionalism worked in.

1. All of life’s problems are actually One Big Problem. What is it?

2. How does this movement claim that OBP can be solved?

3. What are the ramifications of succeeding and failing to remedy the OBP?

Deus Ex Parabola: Once you have a vague idea, go forth and find a handful of random philosophical statements (this helps). Remove the quote from all context and instead recolor it with a different agenda. What if this passage from the Koran was instead being used by a wizard to teach a pupil? What if this paragraph from a Victorian book were modified slightly used as an introduction to the worshippers of Iéru (see above)? The thinking is essentially done for you, and it’s a great exercise in getting a command for the central ideas and concepts of the movement.

Various: Here are some helpful sources in creating religions.