Sundered Shields and Silver Shillings: May 2021

Sunday, May 30, 2021

The August Synod

Hear ye, clergypeople of the sundry waters! For the conjunction is upon us, Phlegmatic Mercury aligns with Saline Mars, and on these three holiest of moons, we call ye to the Flotsam Cathedral for a great reckoning! Take heed; such an event will not happen again for another year-score.

HUMORIST SECTS ATTENDING THE SYNOD:

- Naturally, the Driftwood Papacy act as the hosts, the Synod occurring in the Flotsam Cathedral. They seek to forge positive relations with (and perhaps subsume) as many of the other religions of the Arabus as they can within the duration of the Synod.

-The Scrollbound are a more conservative derivative of he Papcy that split right after the Papacy subsumed the Terranites about a century ago. They believe that the Papacy's policy of welcoming other religions creates impurity, and that the Jetsam Compendium is a bastardized mess devoid of spiritual significance. They instead turn to their eponymous Ashen Scrolls of DHMH for truth, which they claim are the original sources of the epics at the beginning of the Jetsam. As such, their relationship to the Papacy is strained at best.

-The mindset of the Gallimaufrists as a whole can be described as "why stop at just 7 Humors?". Every organism (even every individual) has an uncountable number of Humors specific to its anatomical and spiritual makeup, and trying to balance just 7 of them is a fool's errand. Through self-reflection and autosurgery, you can discover the Humors latent within you, and take your balancing into your own hands! Disclaimer: the Gallimaufrist Collective is not responsible for injury or death as a result of ripping your body apart to find out which yet-unseen Humor is out of balance now.

-The Exans are Humorists who believe the path to enlightenment is not through balance or moderation, but rather through choosing to idealize or purge a certain Humor from one's body. When you succeed on reaching this ideal state, then you will become divine. Most view these people as fanatics or extremists.

NON-HUMORIST SECTS ATTENDING THE SYNOD:

-The Blue Flame Order is a strange mix between a church and a knighthood system. It is in worship of the Knight, Industry's Patriarch, Clink-Clink, Soul of Blue Flame. The Knight is an egregoric representation of industrialization and all its baggage, and adherents of the Knight often take up modern crafts and hollow out their chests to keep blue flame burning to keep them in eternal toil. The Ieruits are their greatest enemies.

-The Redwing Church (credit to FifthDragon) is one of the only major bird religions of the Arabus. Its adherents, the Flock, believe that it is their duty to sing the Sun into the sky and ward it against the shadows that seek to devour it. Should the Sun be destroyed, as it has and inevitably will, the Crimson Pope will rise and take its place. The twin Canticles (Radiant and Vulgate) serve as canon and prayer alike.

-The Maelstromites are based out of the Spinning City of Zinn-Zynann, found in the eye of a permanent micro-hurricane. The city is built inside a top-like cone rapidly rotated by the buffeting winds of the storm. They believe the weather is a massive entity deserving of worship, and their rituals focus around changing its moods so that the climate may serve them.

-The Annites. Wait, fuck, you sent the invitation to her? Now we're going to have to acknowledge the damn Gnomsticists! Demerits to whoever made THAT mistake.

-This is a living library. More may/will appear as they come up.

Sunday, May 23, 2021

The Driftwood Papacy

An elaboration for the sake of my ~~victims~~ players in my Arabus Ocean game, though good luck making sense of it now. The Driftwood Papacy is the largest denomination of the religious movement known as Humorism, described in some vague capacity below.

“Know this, my child; for there are many like me, and many like you, but their Humors lie imbalanced, and they are imperfect. There is but one of me, for all whose Humors align thusly are made concordant into the fullest of full forms, and join my halls.”

-A quote from the Balanced God DHMH taken from the Epic of the First Antipope, the first book of the Jetsam Compendium (the living canon of Humorism at large)

Humors listed in order from least to most Viscous: the more Viscous a Humor, the more it affects your basic function, and the more important it is to keep it in balance. Perfect balance is to unite with DHMH (if you are burdened with divinity) or the Antipope (if you are stricken with mortality).

TEARS (Empty//Sorrowful)

This volatile Humor is stored behind the eyes. To become less Melancholic, get blackout drunk, remove an eye, or sleep dreamlessly through a day. To become more so, see a comedy in a divine amphitheatre, drink moonlight, or have a good cry. Widows and elephants are naturally Melancholic, while Unliving, coroners, and cats are less so.

SWEAT (Slothful//Zealous)

This common Humor is stored within the forehead. To become less Saline, converse with a Hallucinogenic Spirit, have someone conclusively disclude a truth you hold sacrosanct, or converse with a mountain. To become more so, lick a salt crystal, see a promise through dangerous times, or abstain from petty indulgences like food and drink. Dwarves, knights, and fathers are naturally Saline, while cows and accountants are less so.

SPIT (Meek//Rageful)

This capricious Humor is stored within the mouth. To become less Sputumous, wear a cloak woven from the soul of a forest, apologize to a rival, or drip liquid glass onto your vocal chords. To become more so, get into a heated debate, drink your own blood, or break something someone else holds sentimental. Humans, boars, and volcanoes are naturally Sputumous, while Verminfolk and earthworms are less so.

BLOOD (Lethargic//Manic)

This burning Humor is stored within the bosom. To become less Sanguine, bathe in blubber and lard, inject yourself with tranquilizer, or carve a cameo. To become more so, drink the water of a torrential downpour, stay up all night building something, or sell a house. Gnomes, painters, and dogs are naturally Sanguine, while tax-gatherers and leeches (ironically enough) are less so.

BILE (Reckless//Cowardly)

This tepid Humor is stored within the groin. To become less Choleric, snort flour, undergo trepanning, or follow a rainbow. To become more so, listen to a dissonant chord for an hour, eat Giant Spider legs, or or go into battle. Academics and manatees are naturally Choleric, while Goblins, monkeys, and lions are less so.

MUCUS (Indiscriminate//Particular)

This mercurial Humor is stored within the chest. To become less Phlegmatic, drink your body weight in water in a day, throw a dart at a map and go where it lands, or go a day without making a single choice for yourself. To become more so, eat in a Fey feasthall, dress in all one color, or paint something only you have ever seen. Nobles, Elves, and garden flowers are naturally Phlegmatic, while rats and minstrels are less so.

VOMIT (Infirm//Hubristic)

This caustic Humor is stored within the gut. To become less Gastric, get infected with a plague from a zombie, take a mud bath, or spit up some lotus tea in public. To become more so, use arcane magic, eat roadkill, or bend iron with your bare hands. Wizards, peacocks, and doctors are naturally Gastric, while the elderly and raccoons are less so.

Conservative, apocryphal, and syncretic sects may recognize more Humors, such as offal, menses, semen, or eyeball jam, among the most prevalent alternatives. But then again, Humorism is so broad that really any dimension of the Papal doctrine could be warped and produce a viable denomination.

“Yes, I am an archangel; A MERE ARCHANGEL!—I that should have been pope! It is verily true. I was told it from heaven in a dream, twenty years ago; ah, yes, I was to be pope!—and I SHOULD have been pope, for Heaven had said it—but the King dissolved my religious house, and I, poor obscure unfriended monk, was cast homeless upon the world, robbed of my mighty destiny!”

-A quote from the eponymous First Antipope

Ball’s in your court to tell me more about Gnomsticism, Gorinich. Also, Mergo, if you’d like to tell me more about the nature and contents of the Jetsam Compendium, I know no one on earth more qualified. As a parting gift, here is an excerpt from the Blooming Dialogues, as well as some collected notes on constructing gameable religions.

“He was a man of one idea; that all civilisation was the painted fungus of rottenness. He hated any sign of culture. I won his respect one afternoon when he found me trespassing in the woods because I was watching some maggots at work in a dead rabbit. That led us to a discussion of life, and the nature of the divine. He was a thorough materialist, but when he thought, he reflected on the decay of mankind—the decline of the human race into folly and weakness and rottenness. "Be a good animal, true to your animal instinct," was his motto. With all this, he was fundamentally very unhappy—and he made me also wretched, scornful of the decadent beauty my people had hammered into my skull like a red-hot nail. I later learned this man was an acolyte of Iéru, and let this text serve as a record of our conversations.”

CyberChronometer: Not the source of this advice, but indeed the bearer. There are three steps to making a broad religious movement, with grounds for further factionalism worked in.

All of life’s problems are actually One Big Problem. What is it?
How does this movement claim that OBP can be solved?
What are the ramifications of succeeding and failing to remedy the OBP?

Deus Ex Parabola: Once you have a vague idea, go forth and find a handful of random philosophical statements (this helps). Remove the quote from all context and instead recolor it with a different agenda. What if this passage from the Koran was instead being used by a wizard to teach a pupil? What if this paragraph from a Victorian book were modified slightly used as an introduction to the worshippers of Iéru (see above)? The thinking is essentially done for you, and it’s a great exercise in getting a command for the central ideas and concepts of the movement.

Various: Here are some helpful sources in creating religions.

Friday, May 21, 2021

The Arabus Ocean

“Let the godless wine-dark smile with fanged maw, and shepherd wooden flock.”

NOTABLE LOCALES

LASH-WRECK. Miles off the Tarnished Coast, this ramshackle isle, built atop a massive piece of coral risen from the sea, is a trade powerhouse. Folks from all around the multiverse come here in search of a particular ware, an otherwise-illegal service, or even simply an escape. Anyone can be found and anything can be bought here under the watchful eye of Trade-Lord Garrosh, the massive albino whale that circles the island.
VINESKULL ISLES. This archipelago is overrun by Gnomes, who use their lightning skiffs to catch Silver Eels and the many-lobed Cranial Pufferfish. However, the Gnomish population have built their abodes and crannies in the shadows of titanic, cyclopean architecture from well before the Cataclysm. Why does the wind whirling through the half-broken arches on the top of the cliff sound a little like whispering?
FLOTSAM CATHEDRAL. The hulls of shipwrecked boats have been lashed together to form this unnerving floating temple. This is the seat of the Driftwood Papacy, the most pervasive religion of the Arabus. They claim that their demigod-antipope slumbers in a submerged coffin at the base of this structure, but no one who has descended into this crypt has returned intact. What exactly are they worshipping?

POINTS OF INTEREST

BYGONE. It has all already happened, the present a shadow of the past’s glory. The sunken gold-fat galleon is now encrusted with barnacles and rust, the drowned sailor now a morose phantom upon a blood-clad rock, the fishing village built upon the bleached rib of a dead Kraken. All that remains of their wonders is woven into shanties and distant memories.
ELDRITCH. Inhuman terrors dwell beneath the wine-dark waters. Shipping boats succumb to titanic inky tentacles during full moons. Red-eyed castaways are marooned for fear of a Demon’s touch. Bloated, tumor-encrusted whales occasionally rise posthumously from the depths, only to thrash in mad un-life hours later. The influence of insidious cosmic forces makes superstition a rational choice.
DEVOUT. Everyone has a patron saint, god, or higher power they look up to in some way. Be it the unfazed foreign missionary bobbing on driftwood, a beggar with a worn cameo of a man he calls Archbishop, or the scarred high priest of a suicide cult, everyone has aligned themself with some sort of divinity, real or constructed.

WORSHIP. An IDOL occupies a CHA slot, providing a Boon when you perform a certain Appeasement and a Bane when you perform a certain Blasphemy. For example:

THE LORD OF BLADES. Uphold the law when it detriments you/Gain +1 DEFENSE for a day, Break the law for convenience’s sake/Missiles are attracted to you.

	STR	DEX	CON	INT	WIS	CHA
STR		ANCHOR CHUCKER. For one TURN each day, your STR is effectively 20.	BARNACLED. Touch something to spread your barnacle-plague.	WOOD WELDER. Hold two pieces of wood together for 30 seconds and they fuse.	MAROONED CAPTAIN. Use your MANEUVER to allow someone you can see to take a MOVE, OFFENSIVE, or MANEUVER.	WIND CRUSADER. Choose one QUARRY at a time whose name you know; the wind alerts you of their position and emotional state.
DEX	LIGHTNING SKIFFER. You have an insanely fast reaction time and double typical speed on any conveyance.		PISTOLEER. Your ammo can pierce through one obstacle per shot you make.	GRENADIER. You can spend a MANEUVER making an explosive with a 10-second delay.	SWASHBUCKLER. There’s always just enough loose/secured rope around for your shenanigans.	MAROONED SABOTEUR. Your lies are so natural that people assume by default that you tell the truth.
CON	DRIFTWOOD PILGRIM. You can’t die in water, but can’t recover in water either.	SMUGGLER. When you meet someone, you can roll a d20. On a CRIT, they’re a criminal contact. On a FUMBLE, they want to bring you in.		STORMRIDER. You can walk on liquids and lightning, and can glide with the wind like flight.	SIEGE ARCHITECT. You can carry siege weapons; they occupy 3 slots.	HUSK. A horrific beast pilots your dead flesh. It can switch hosts, but can never return to a corpse already used.
INT	HOMUNCULIST. You have created a small familiar (N1, H4, one Ability of your choice, I: to serve you).	NAVIGATOR. You have an eidetic memory over a 24 hour period and a peerless sense of direction.	INVOKER. You get a random SPELL each day.		HULL-PATCHER. You can repair FUMBLED items with an INT roll.	GUNMAGE. Your ranged attacks can be based off of INT, and deal elemental damage.
WIS	EXORCIST. End possessions and mind-altering effects with a touch.	DOOMSAYER. Get an ASH SPELL whenever you spend at least a TURN telling intelligent creatures about the End Times.	ARCHAEOLOGIST. You know all there is to know about the mythic and geologic past.	LUNATIC. Once a day, make a false syllogism true within your line of sight for a TURN.		ANIMIST. One per day, you can talk to the spirits around you for a TURN.
CHA	CONQUISTADOR. Oppressed people are naturally afraid of you; likewise, privileged people are comforted.	MISSIONARY. You have diplomatic and religious immunity everywhere with an established hierarchy.	BLASPHEMER. Everything that you say is assumed to be a lie, unless otherwise proven.	REINCARNATED. Once a day, you have a cryptic flash of memory from your past life. You can take another SKILL.	DRIFTWOOD LITURGIST. You can read at insane speeds and have memorized most of all available holy books.

This totally isn't prep for an upcoming game

Saturday, May 15, 2021

Campaign retrospective: The A to Z of the Conquest of the Flints

The Flints were the heroes of a Penny Dreadful mini-campaign with Phlox, Renefor, Locheil, Gorinich, and Mergo-Kan where we were playtesting a new edition of Vain the Sword. It was delightfully fun, and I wanted to immortalize it, but I hate hate hate campaign reports, so I had to mix it up or I would fall asleep writing it. Hence, the ABCs of the Sieges on Castle Helsingor. Flints, if I forgot anything, please remind me and regale readers with the chaotic tales of the crew of the Berg Flint.

Anglerfishing. The technique of sending some castle employee/resident who is possessed by a Mysterious Dagger into the next room ahead of the rest of the party to check for sticky situations. Worked very well.

Bonesaw Flint. A tired med student now employed as an on-boat barber surgeon. Reginald Flint’s brother. No, not that Reginald Flint, the other Reginald Flint. (See R for Reginald Flint)

Castle Velwaren. The place we stormed twice, the first time to kill Lord Valwaren (see V for Valwaren), the second to retrieve a Frankenstein from under Dracula’s nose (see S for Saturnius).

Demonic Dwarf. We had one named Dmitri who acted as our cannoneer and demolitionist. He could make fires that only he could see, and perpetually argued for the least moral choice in the most comically delightful way.

Earspoon. Why IS it called that? And why do the Bohemians need so many?

Fatfuck. A nickname for Busby Flint, the boat cat. Spawned more art than anything else in the campaign despite having zero screen time. Which, you know, is to be expected.

Gregory Siebler IV. A schmuck with a rivalry with one Brian DeVille. He was possessed by the Dagger for a long while. (Also see P for Phloxxing)
Heart of Frankenstein. One of the few witnesses of the only kiss to be shared between Raoul the Castrato and Georgina Andrews- She perished at the hands of Dracula, so now he’ll never get to ask her out for that drink. (Probably for the best, as she was under a Daggerish influence during the liplock.)

I AM UNREPENTANT. The girlfriend of the Mysterious Dagger, liberated from Lord Valwaren’s use. (She’s a sword, just so we’re clear.)

Jack Coals. An orphan saved from a- actually, you guess what he was doing before we adopted him. APPARENTLY he was a fey sorcerer the whole time?!?!? Unbelievable.

Katarino. One of the werewolves freed from the prisons below the castle. They caused some chaos, escaped, then owed us an ambiguous favor that never got cashed in. Sequel potential?

Living forest. Who would have thought the Brandekov Forest would have been alive and had a self-preservation instinct? We just wanted to burn it down nice and good-like!

Mortal Glögg. A drink designed to restore people to their normal forms- brought Reginald Flint from the brink of being a donkey at the hands of some rather Shakespearean hags.

Night’s wicked creatures. Bats, rats, and… armadillo? Who would have thought!

Orc. Didn’t really have a different place to talk about Lazare Flint, the Godchild of the Sea, wielder of I AM UNREPENTANT, and perhaps the last humanoid alive to see Dracula.

Phloxxed. Phlox has a habit of knowing people’s personal information (see an important NPC having my real-life last name, or him donating to Mergo’s personal website). Thus, when someone’s personal information has been compromised, they’ve been Phloxxed.

Q. A very difficult and rare sort of letter on its own, but when looking back on a gaming campaign, this one is damn near impossible to ascribe any sort of value.

Reginald Flint(s). There are two of them- one is a gay pirate with explode-y knife hands, and the other one is a gay pirate who gets crazy strong when you don’t look at them. They are married. Yes, it’s confusing.

Saturnius. A mopey Frankenstein we had to hunt down body parts for like the world’s worst Build-A-Bear workshop. Especially because right after the metaphorical bear was built, a metaphorical Dracula hurled it into the ocean. Wait, that last part was literal.

Trapdoor behind the barber chair. A diet Sweeny Todd was killing people and sending them to the kitchens to be baked into pies through the use of a poorly-hidden trapdoor. He was abruptly and forcefully stopped.

Umbrella. Turns out a 6-foot invincible parasol is useful in a lot of situations. Particularly when you have people shooting at you through doorways and also someone with superhuman strength and the capacity to use it as a battering ram.

Valwaren. The lord of the castle, and an emo asshole (by his own admission- well, his mouth’s admission, not his brain’s) vampire wannabe. Followed around by a team of sycophant cousins and the occasional jester. After being possessed by the Mysterious Dagger, he convinced most of the cousins to kill each other, then killed one, then allowed himself to be killed. This was how the Flints initially “won” the dungeon.

Walls. Many fell to Reggie’s mighty thews, we just called it “renovations”. Castle Valwaren needed an open floorplan, right?

Xanthic. An adjective easily used to describe the Igors, strange hunchbacked (edit: apparently I was the only one who saw them as hunchbacked, c'est la vie) servants that roamed the place and debated the origins of common pole weaponry (see E for Earspoon). It’s X, give me a break.

Yo Ho Mo. Instead of Yo Ho Ho, this is the battle cry of the Flints, for what are presumably obvious reasons. In times of strife, this turned to "Yo Ho Woe".

Ze- wait, no, I don’t want to Phloxx myself!

Alternatively…

Zine. If you don’t do it, Phlox, you’re a cowardly cur

Art and memes collected from the run of the game (4/5 players were artists, which was terribly convenient):